Finding a Therapist Who's Actually a Good Fit
Starting therapy can be a very difficult thing — a vulnerable thing. A lot of people don't know where to start, or how to find a good therapist.
As a therapist who knows a lot of therapists, one of the things I genuinely enjoy is helping people in my personal life get connected with a good therapist when they're ready. And when I get that chance, I have them keep a few things in mind — to help set them up for success.
To me, therapeutic success starts with fit. Fit isn't everything — but it's the foundation. Beyond fit, you also need trust, and a genuine sense that this person is competent — that they actually have the skills to help you. All three have to be there. Fit just has to come first.
A word about therapy itself
I think society is sometimes too quick to pathologize and push therapy onto others. There are a lot of ways to approach healing, and therapy is just one of them. If the desire to try is genuinely there, great. But if it's not, that's worth honoring too. There are other paths.
That said — here's how I'd approach finding someone good for you.
So what exactly is fit?
At its most basic, fit is how comfortable you feel with someone and how well they meet your current needs. But fit goes deeper than just liking someone's personality. Someone might not be warm or funny, and that's okay — maybe that's not what you need. Maybe you need someone more serious, someone who will challenge you, someone who will push back. Fit is really about whether this particular therapist matches what you need right now, in this season of your life. That looks different for everyone.
Start with referrals
Before you open a single directory or search engine, ask around. Ask your friends. Ask your doctor. Ask literally anyone you trust — because more people are in therapy than you'd think, and most of them are willing to share if you ask directly. And honestly? If you strike up a conversation with a stranger and you like the vibe they give off and feel comfortable sharing that you're looking — ask them too. A personal referral from anyone in your life is worth more than hours of online searching. It's where I'd always start.
Most of the time, I only start looking online if someone is restricted by insurance.
If you're looking online
Don't overthink the profiles. Get on the phone. Most therapists offer a free 15-minute consultation, and you'll learn more about someone in that one call than from reading their entire website. How do they sound? Are they actually listening? Your gut will tell you something. Trust it.
After those calls, keep an open mind about modalities. You don't need to know exactly what kind of therapy you want going in. If someone feels right on the phone, set up an intake and see what happens.
The first three to four sessions are still a trial
Think of those first few sessions as uncommitted. A lot of times, people start with a therapist and once they start, they feel like they can't back out. I want to take that pressure off completely. It might even help to tell the therapist upfront that you want to do three to four sessions and then see if you want to book more. Those first few sessions, you are still figuring out if this is the right fit. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to see someone else. You are allowed to never come back. A skilled therapist can handle that — it's par for the course.
And something most people don't realize — it's okay to see more than one therapist at a time, if you're able to. Especially early on, when you're still figuring out what works for you.
Pay attention to how they take feedback
One thing I'd encourage you to notice early on is how open your therapist is to feedback — and how well they take it. You should feel like you can tell them if something isn't working, if an approach doesn't resonate, or if you felt misunderstood in a session. A good therapist welcomes that. It's actually part of how good therapy works. If you share feedback and they get defensive, dismiss it, or make you feel like the problem is yours for bringing it up — that's important information. Trust your reaction to that.
If therapy hasn't worked for you before
I'd encourage you to try again if you have any desire to — and approach it with some of these things in mind. And if you want to reach out to me and ask for a referral, you can. I just might know someone in your area or licensed in your state. It doesn't hurt to ask.