What You Give Now, You May Not Have Later
I was running my process group focused on recovering from burnout last Wednesday, and the conversation naturally flowed into a discussion about self-judgment — about how they judge themselves for having gotten to this point, for not having a good enough reason to need time off or to take a break. Feeling like they should be able to continue performing at the level they were, but also feeling like they can’t.
One of the things I love about groups is that a familiar conversation can surface a new thought. As I was listening, something occurred to me: as they pushed themselves to do more now, they were taking away from their ability to do anything in the future. So I shared that thought with them. When you push yourself or overgive, you’re just borrowing from your ability to do life — or to give — in the future.
We have a small group, and a couple of people said that really made sense to them. It helped them think more carefully about the things we do now and what the impact will be down the road.
We are not infinite resources
I think a lot of the time, people aren’t looking at what they’ll be capable of in the future. It’s just: give as much as possible now. But we’re not infinite resources. We don’t have an infinite amount of energy, patience, or ability to be social. We just don’t have an infinite ability to give — especially if we’re not being given to as well.
I find that many of my clients experiencing burnout are giving at an extreme level and not being poured back into in equal measure. In fact, the giving they do so often becomes an expectation that isn’t given the recognition or appreciation it deserves.
And here’s another thing I’ve observed: these individuals don’t even want or need recognition or appreciation anymore. They’re so spent that they just want to keep doing their work with no one in their way. Or they want to disappear for a while. Or they want a good enough reason to take a break — one that will make sense to the people around them, because they haven’t been able to give themselves permission without one.
I actually often hear clients say: “I’m not suicidal, but I wish I could just get sick, or be in an accident, so I could be in the hospital and everyone would leave me alone for a while.”
When someone is hoping for a hospital stay as the only scenario in which they’d finally be allowed to rest — that’s not a small thing. That’s someone who has run so far past their limit that their body breaking down feels like the only acceptable exit.
The jar of stones
Here’s an image I find useful. Imagine you have a jar of stones. Every time you’re asked — or not asked, but do it anyway — to do something: meet that deadline, help out on another project, dog-sit for friends going on vacation, take your kids to their activities and appointments, go out with friends when you want to stay in — all of that is a stone leaving the jar. And it’s gone unless you or someone else replenishes it for you. It doesn’t regenerate on its own.
So you have to be intentional about replenishing that jar. You have to put yourself in a position to receive. And for a lot of my clients, the work starts even before that — with learning how to receive at all.
It starts with stopping
You have to stop giving in order to make room for receiving.
That’s not a small ask for most people I work with. Stopping feels like failure. It feels like letting people down. It feels like the moment everything will fall apart. But the truth is, the falling apart has often already been happening — quietly, slowly, stone by stone — for longer than anyone noticed.
What you give now, you may not have later. Your future self — the one your family needs, the one your work needs, the one you need — is being shaped by what you choose to protect today.
If you recognize yourself in any of this and you’re ready to do something about it, I’d love to talk. I also run Running on Empty — a small virtual group for people navigating burnout recovery. Sometimes the most powerful thing is doing this work alongside people who actually get it.