How to Do Conflict and Disagreements Well with Your Teens: The Key Is Coregulation

Coregulation is when two or more people work with their nervous systems together — moving from a point of activation toward being calmer. Sometimes it's too difficult for one person to do it on their own, and they need another nervous system to teach them how.

Most people intuitively understand this when it comes to babies. When you have a baby, you are constantly coregulating with them. Babies don't have the ability to calm themselves down and are completely dependent on caregivers for all their needs. Parents have to assess what their infant needs in order to help them calm down — food, being held, getting their diaper changed, having someone smile at them and look into their eyes, playing some music. These are all things that caregivers do for a baby to help regulate them.

And you've probably noticed this: a parent who is worked up or anxious has a much more difficult time soothing a fussy child. But a parent who is calmer — who has a regulated nervous system — signals security and safety, and has a much better chance of soothing that same child. The baby picks up on it.

Teens need coregulation too

It's often a lot easier to remember that younger children need a lot of support with coregulation. But preteens and teens still need it too. Adults need coregulation as well. We don't exist in isolation, so we will always need to coregulate — some more than others.

The problem is that some of the moments where coregulation is the most needed are also some of the moments where it's going to be the most difficult.

Like when you're in a heated argument and both of your nervous systems are escalating together. Or when your teen is feeling sad or unmotivated, and you know all the right moves to make to fix the problem, but you can't get them to act — and so the frustration builds. Or when you're worried about their safety but they want to spread their wings and do things more independently, and now your worry is transferring and making them anxious too.

The parent's role in coregulation

The role of a parent in coregulating is to first regulate themselves. Because a calm nervous system signals safety, and that will already start the other person's nervous system to sync a bit. You can't pour from an empty cup, and you can't coregulate from a flooded one.

As a parent, you need to know yourself and what your individual needs are. Usually it's just good practice to take a pause — to stop speaking to each other for enough time to figure out what's next.

What to actually do in the moment

When things are heating up, assess what you might need. Do you need a break to go do something else for a moment? Maybe you go get a drink of water, maybe you call a friend, maybe you go for a walk. I'm personally a fan of a walk. I feel like most of the time you can bring your nervous system activation down significantly with a 45-minute walk.

But — and this part matters — you also want to communicate that you're taking a break and why you are taking it. Whatever you're going to do to help yourself regulate, state it and explain why. This way there is still a sense of trust and safety being established, instead of a feeling of abandonment in a moment of difficulty or conflict.

Something like: "I'm going to take a walk to help myself calm down because I'm feeling very frustrated and I don't think I'll be able to be kind in this conversation. Would you like to come with me, or just wait till I'm done and we can check in?"

That offer — to bring them along on the regulating activity — is something worth pausing on. The things you do to calm yourself down can be offered as something to do together, without having to talk about the topic of conflict at all. A walk side by side. A drive. Something simple. You are regulating in parallel, and that's still coregulation.

Coming back together

Re-entry should have the same intention as the pause. You want to let your child know what you did and how you feel now. Something like: "I went on a walk and I've calmed down enough to talk now. I would like to keep talking, but I want to make sure you're feeling a bit calmer too."

This kind of communication — stating what you did, naming how you feel, checking in on them — keeps the relationship intact even when things got hard. It models what it looks like to take care of yourself without disappearing. And it shows your teen that ruptures don't have to mean disconnection. You can come back.